It makes me sad to realize I have posted so sporadically this semester. This semester was honestly the hardest one I've faced so far. I was having a hard time balancing mental health, physical health, school responsibilities, extra-curriculars, work, etc. However, this is not a recap of my entire semester. This is more just about the last couple of weeks because they've been extra rough.
About a week ago, I watched the cheer team that I was on, go to worlds in Disney World (aka the biggest competition in competitive cheer) and get 3rd place which is huge. Not long after that, Texas Tech cheer tryouts happened and I watched a lot of my teammates from that same team make TTU cheer. Two of my biggest dreams as a cheerleader were to get to go to worlds, and to cheer for Texas Tech. I have been retired for a little over 6 months now and this time of year is just extra hard. To have had to retire and watch other people you know achieve the dreams that you've had for years is really hard. It's even harder for someone who had to retire for health reasons and a lack of experience rather than because I had achieved everything I wanted. I can't help but think that if I had stuck with it, put the work in, and not given up that I could have achieved the things I wanted, right alongside my other teammates. It's one of those things that you know you made the right choice but in the moment it doesn't feel like it and makes you doubt your decisions. It makes you want to go running back, even though you know you shouldn't.
Another thing that happened was my study abroad getting cancelled. See, I am applying to graduate school this summer, and this study abroad was going to give me 60 shadowing hours that I really needed in a really unique setting. It was going to be the cherry on top of my application to graduate school. I had started making a packing list and planned to start packing when I got back to Lubbock. Then 12 days before I was supposed to fly out, my trip got cancelled. I was supposed to go on the same trip last year but it also got cancelled. That one I expected because it was the height of COVID and there was no chance we were gonna go. But this time it sounded so promising. WE WERE 12 DAYS AWAY. And out of nowhere it gets cancelled. So the cherry on top for my application was completely ruined. I took one day to cry about it, wallow in it, and not do anything about it. Then after that I got my shit together and started re-planning. Because it was so close I couldn't afford to travel anywhere else. I had to settle for going back to work and finding shadowing here in Lubbock.
On top of that, I should have graduated this May. This isn't something I have beat myself up too much over, but definitely something that has crossed my mind a couple of times. It really was physically impossible for me to obtain my major, minor and my pre-requisites for graduate school in 3 years but I have always wanted to graduate in 3 years with my undergraduate degree. And I wasn't able to. It hasn't effected me too much because I know that it was not possible for me to, but it definitely has hit me a couple of times.
Needless to say, the last week or two have been very hard for me emotionally. They say you make a plan and God laughs and the amount of times that has happened to me in about the last year and a half (as I'm sure is the case with everyone else) is ridiculous. However, not achieving my dreams for my sport has fueled me to want to get into graduate school anymore. If I can't achieve those dreams, I better achieve the ones I gave it up for. Every now and then I wallow in the fact that this is not where I'm supposed to be right now, this was not the plan, for multiple reasons. But then I remember that I can't change those things and I just have to keep going. It forces me to remember that there is a reason for everything and I'm not going to let it stop me.
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